a year ago today, I was diagnosed with breast cancer. how do you wrap your brain around that?! wow. I can recall so vividly getting the call from the oncologist I had gone to (different from my ultimate oncologist, Dr. Hurvitz, because of my insurance mess), while standing in a corner in the bathroom at work. what a strange call to wait for. I called each of my parents who were anxiously waiting for my call, then went home. then gathered up my sister and a good friend and went to see Everest play. I remember every little bit of it. I was fucking scared, but the faces that were around me somehow convinced me it would be okay, even without saying a word. the faces (souls) are a huge part of my survival, as I’ve noted a million times here… how can you not want to continue to see the people in your life grow, and see what happens in their lives, and just be there to hug them?! that is an infinitly huge reason to fight to stay alive.

even that day, I knew I had to move forward with what I knew was true to myself, even if I wasn’t consciously thinking of it that way. I had to find my own momentum, unique to me, toward a brand new situation. I remember talking about getting to the other side of it (meaning victory, not to, y’know, that other side)… and I suppose I actually am now. which is a strange feeling in itself, because life clearly just moves on like it always has.

but victory is victory, and a year after my diagnosis, I sit here living on as the same person I was before… but with so much more life behind me and in front of me and around me. there is no question that I have grown. I’m sure several people would agree. I feel that growth all the time, and I feel more growth every day. the best is when I get to see the growth of people around me thru those eyes, of knowing growth. amazing that it takes such severe circumstances for some people to find a better way of being part of the world… that’s me. apparently. but I couldn’t be more proud of it. the circumstances are mine and I don’t have a single regret or feeling of “why me” about it. I really don’t. the fact that I get to see the smiles that I get to see, and share time with the people I share time with is proof that everything about my experience has been right on. it has been true, and will continue to be…

and speaking of anniversaries and faces… not quite a year (strong!) after we started hiking, we managed to get the OG crew together on the same day last weekend (isn’t as easy as you might think).

fighting to stay alive doesn’t get any better than that!

what better time to share some of my favorite music of 2008 (in complete), than on the first of 2009?!

here is what I put on my 2008 songs mix (in order of compilation), with lots of links for any further digging you might want to do:

01 : Richard Swift : Lady Luck
02 : The Black Keys : All You Ever Wanted
03 : Cat Power : I Believe In You (original)
04 : Jamie Lidell : Wait For Me
05 : Dr. Dog : The Ark
06 : KaiserCartel : Oh No
07 : Everest : Trees
08 : Sera Cahoone : Only As The Day Is Long
09 : My Morning Jacket : Smokin From Shootin
10 : The Duke Spirit : This Ship Was Built To Last
11 :  Fleet Foxes : Mykonos
12 : The Tallest Man On Earth : The Gardener
13 : AA Bondy : Killed Myself When I Was Young
14 : The Moondoggies : Old Hound
15 : Delta Spirit : People, Turn Around

I loved just as much, but didn’t quite work in the mix:
Department of Eagles : Phantom Other
Delta Spirit : Trashcan
Black Mountain : Wucan
The Whigs : Right Hand On My Heart
Breathe Owl Breathe : Drop And Roll

sitting here on the first day of 2009, at Allegro in the U District in Seattle. all the times I’ve been here, I never knew until today that it’s the “oldest coffeehouse in Seattle” … which makes sense as the always beautiful University of Washington campus sits one block in front of me. this is the kind of place where you really get a sense of that seemingly consistent report that Seattle is at the top of the list as an “intelligent” city. people with their heavy literature, several books’ worth, sprawled out on the tiny tables… some gorgeous Seattle guy with rainy-messy hair and tiny raindrops still sitting on lightly rained-on layers as he reads. and then the techy peeps with the laptops. which still seems like a new thing to see in a place like this, especially when it wasn’t normal back when I was still here. totally normal at that huge chain with its roots in this same city, but not within the walls of a place like this, hidden away in an alley behind a couple of book stores. anyway…

it’s new years day… working to find my way. aren’t we all (!?!). it’s a bit of a marvel to make it to the beginning of another year, isn’t it? I’ve been in Seattle for a week and a half or so… trudging thru the snow, bundled up but good. spending a lot of time with my mom, keeping her company in the otherwise empty house, and spending time with old and close friends. some hugs that I miss. such an incredible amount of life to be thankful for and appreciative of!

there has, of course, been a lot going on in all the days since I last posted anything you can sink your teeth into. it gets harder and harder to write out what’s going on and how I’m feeling about it in a truthful and sincere way (but I feel like I need to update you somehow!). you’d think it would get easier, but with each day, there are more complicated emotions at play, in all aspects of my life (cancer kinda feels like a non-point by now), more complicated than straight-up survival. maybe it’s a matter of getting impatient about the things I’ve promised myself about my future… my life has sped ahead something like 10 years in the space of 1, but there is still a shitload of things to accomplish and comfort levels to reach. there is still a lot of life to be lived. and that means more challenge to get to the things I want in my life. oddly enough, life seems like more of a challenge at this moment than at any point this past year. going into a new year, with brand new shiny possibilities feels heavy and daunting.

I can say there are so many moments throughout 2008 that will never go away and that I am so appreciative of. the challenge is knowing how quickly things can and will shift… so I have to not only hold on to those moments, but build on them, not a single moment to sit back and let things go, otherwise the shit can sink in fast, and everything has to be built up again. anyway… the heavy stuff is just… heavy, and I don’t mean to bring things down. ultimately, I hope my struggles reflect some of yours too, and that’s why I’m sharing this. I’ve never been joking about the idea that we are all fighting alongside each other. one of my favorite things about the year is that I’ve been able to (hopefully) encourage a few people that have seen both the brilliant and the challenging moments the year has brought. listening and being there… it’s good stuff and I wouldn’t trade it for anything.

I feel like there are so many other important things to mention, but many of them I’m not even sure how to put into words at this point. another time…

here’s to another big year… right? it’s gotta be. you with me? happy 2009 :)

just dropping in to say hello, and drop off another song from the years’ favorites…

that’s The Ark from Dr. Dog. this album has spun several times this year, especially in the car. enjoy!

my last radiation treatment was on Thursday night. as with anything, you know you are on the right path when there are obstacles. the last week was full of them (on and on they go). there are so many things at play… one being that the majority of my treatment was finishing up, and it’s like when you finally approach your goal on a hike, the closer you get the harder it is. I pushed myself thru the last week by reminding myself that this has been a major challenge that I indeed accomplished. I can’t say I’ve done it by myself because I have the most incredible people around me, but no one else could have pushed thru this for me. they may have pushed, but I have to push the most or I will never see the benefits. my challenge all year has been to stand up for myself. it is my challenge to face. I don’t feel like I could have done it without the people in my life, but the point is that I did stand up regardless. these challenges are what will stick with me my entire life. there will be more, but to look back and know that I fought hard will help me fight in the future. I’m learning more and more that the more you actually challenge the obstacles that come up, the more amazing things you will see come to fruition.

none of this is any new revelation, but… y’know…

I write this from Florida, on the edge of the Everglades. here for a conference, partly for work, partly as a Buddhist (or rather, a human). we pulled together about 13 photographers that shoot for the paper from around the country. so I flew here only hours after my last treatment to work with everyone here over the weekend. it’s been pretty amazing to be able to put a face and a personality to some of the people who go out of their way to take great photos for the paper, all to encourage their fellow Buddhists. it was a lot of talking shop with some who have been shooting professionally for 20, 30 years, and some who’ve been shooting for only a couple years. in that kind of situation, you would expect there to be a lot of competition, but there was none. pretty inspiring. everyone learned from each other, whether it was technical or the psychology of taking pictures of people. I can tell you I learned quite a lot. oddly enough, I took very few photos.

I look inward so much of the time. but there is a difference between looking inward to consider what you yourself does, and looking inward while working with everyone else. it’s a great feeling to look inward after you’ve worked with people, considered them and found what we all have to do together to make things happen. I realize that this is what has been happening all year with the people around me. my incredible friends, coworkers, family…

welcome to our new era! the challenges are not new and they will indeed continue as they do, but this is our fresh opportunity to grow and change. I had a strong sense, from the first moment of this year, that 2008 would be incredibly profound. and every moment has been.

along with many many people from my neighborhood, I stood in line for almost 2 hours to vote for Obama. much like this challenging year, the time sped by.

I am so proud of where things are heading, in our country and the lives of the people around me. this is happening, and it’s happening now.

wow :)

…is only temporary. either way you look at it. good health and bad health. you have to stay on top of it.

I keep getting sick in the middle of trying to get healthy, but so far I’m not letting it bring me down (don’t let it…). my system has been knocked down by three bugs since I finished chemo… twice in the last few weeks. all in time, all in the learning how to be healthy (and not learning how to just get thru being sick).

I have a week and a half left of radiation. then normal? but there are better things to talk about than how lame radiation treatments are, or how tired I’m feeling, or how frustrating it feels to throw away hundreds of dollars of extra daily gas and parking just for these treatments, or losing hours at work for it. there are so many better things to appreciate with everything I have! oh, let me name a few of the last couple weeks…

Rocktober being the awesomest month :) good birthdays have been happening. my step-sister (and one of my truest friends) Natalie had a dress-up/dance party for her 23rd birthday… good people, lots of music, good catching up with lots of people I know and don’t know (and yes, I did get dressed up, too). Nat served the alcohol personally and glass by glass (for but a moment).

then my 29th birthday… started with a special note from a special tour-ist who happened to be next-door to my hometown for the day… I made a point to have a good day at work (and did), sweet notes throughout… then the day ended with super low-key time spent with two special souls, Brad and Robert (y’all can’t mess with two of the best! I won’t let you). we saw Nightmare Before Christmas in 3D at a beautiful historic theater in Hollywood… that’s low-key, right?! in the bathroom at the theater, I overheard a tiny kid saying to his mom that “Darth Vader is outside!” to which she said, “you’re right, he is outside! let’s go so we can find him again, I bet he’s waiting for you!” … 3D glasses, VIP popcorn buckets… driving and walking around Hollywood among the tourists and jaded locals… ice cream at Mashti Malone’s… all was a really nice night, but the best gift simply being the company. nothing better than feeling so deeply fortunate on your birthday.

for the most part, I’ve been ole gramma shayna lately… eyes feeling heavy and like sandpaper far too early in the night. but hopefully everything will get better once all this is wrapped up. the word is that it takes a good while after treatment is done, but it’ll happen soon enough. another Herceptin infusion tomorrow… never a good time, but at least I don’t always feel like shit afterwards (tho I could question the last one).

I can’t wait to vote! or rather, can’t wait to at least know who will have to take on the unique situation we have in front of us (and around us, and within us). it’s exciting that we have this opportunity… right now. our part is as big as theirs. you’re voting, aren’t you?

I will leave you with something good. a band that is close to my heart and who are out there fulfilling their dreams as I type. they played an amazing show here in LA the other night and now I cannot get their cover of Bob Dylan’s You Ain’t Goin Nowhere out of my brain. this is from their tour in Europe this year, with members of My Morning Jacket, but same song:

the sweet Everest lads. a very special face in there, Joel representing hike club as only the best do! (and you can’t mess with him either!! :)

I will check in again when I have good things to talk about, but for now… vitamins and sleep.

give your great friends a great hug. feel their life for a moment. pause for a bit simply because your good friend is standing next to you. one of my great friends lost a dear friend today, and it has me thinking, once again, about how valuable these people in our lives are. no matter how we find them in our lives, when they are there and sharing their lives with us, recognizing and appreciating them is really the least we can do…

looks (and sounds) like it’s time to start compiling my favorite songs of the year! actually, I really start when I realize I’ve found a favorite on a newly released album, but that’s just in my mind. now it’s time to start pulling the songs together and making it happen. I love the process, and this week it’s really started happening. it’s a bit like a game… when I’m working, driving or otherwise floating thru my day, I will put on that playlist and mentally work on it. take out the songs that really don’t hit me quite like they did when I first heard them. or pull one single song from an album that was so good all throughout that my mind kept changing. the biggest (and funnest) part is placing the songs where they need to be. I’ll shuffle one song here or there while I’m working, a quick move that makes my day a little brighter.

here is a great live version of one of the songs already set in the mix:

that is the one and only Richard Swift… it’s been way too long since I’ve seen him live! a brilliant songwriter. and his shows are always great dancy fun. this song, “Lady Luck” is from his Ground Trouble Jaw EP.

this is pretty crazy. apparently a movie was made about the doctor who developed Herceptin, Dennis Slamon.

there’s a whole story around why I’m fascinated by this… all about being in the right place at the right time, and having the best people around at the best time. I’ll get into it some other time, but I just wanted to share this. as much as all of this treatment stuff is so frustrating, it’s pretty great to know that I’ve been a part of a fairly revolutionary piece of cancer history. and of course, knowing that my life is in the better percentage group, supposedly because of this drug… s’a good thing…